convergence

a secret message

2010-02-27T20:30:00.003-07:00

I LURVE YOU!!!!

Father-Friend

2009-06-08T09:51:00.003-06:00

I have a new friend. His name is Dad.

It's been interesting to note how our relationship has changed over the years, and with fathers day fast approaching, it's something I've been thinking about even more.

age 0 - 8

Dad was my idol. I remember (or have seen many pictures and created memories around them) waking up at 4 am, driving into Holladay to pick up grandpa and the grandmother packed lunches and then hauling everything up to strawberry. Dad only caught HUGE fish, and I idolized how smart he seemed to be. He knew that answer to everything, and I often questioned him about all things biology, and he answered, even when my grandpa insisted that I stop making so much noise "the fish have ears!" dad = smart grandpa= too smart.

I also remember Star Trek, Jazz games, Trail Side and Nova. Though I see him reading and playing the guitar in all his free time now, there once was a time when Dad watched TV, and these were the DAD shows. I watched with him, and asked endless questions there too about time travel, and the greatest basketball plays. He made me feel as smart as he was, and always encouraged me to learn as much as I could.

age 8 -15

Dad was still smart, and fun to talk to, but later on we got into arguments, most of which were actually carried out in my head, because I just KNEW what he would say. Looking back he was just protective of a first daughter, and tried to do what a righteous father should, but it did get old being told to come home at 5, for dinner, and that I should just play with my brothers for the rest of the night, not my friends. And I remember that ONE time (for it surely only happened once) that I told my parents there would only be girls at the party, when in actuality there were plenty of boys. (I was 15 by the way, not 8) My dad ended up picking me up when I'd been out too long and hadn't phoned home. He didn't say anything about the boys, he didn't say anything at all. And I knew what he was thinking, and I knew I'd never lie again, because my Dad was one of those dad's who just expected the best and you knew it.

I remember all the soccer games, and even a couple basketball :) He came and would give me the full breakdown of the game afterwards as only a coach could. He wanted me to be the best, and he told me how it could happen, and encouraged me to work as hard as he did. I didn't wind up with an athletic scholarship to BYU like he did, but now with dance paying my way, I'd like to think it's making him proud to finally see my hard work pay off.

age 16 - 19

DAD was my dad, and Bishop, and the biology teacher at school. I couldn't escape. And I loved it. My Dad was one of the cool teachers at school, and though many of the boys were intimidated at best, they asked me out anyway, so it all worked out. I'll never forget the time Jeff got me home 10 minutes late and had to run laps the next morning at practice. Ha Ha!! My Dad treated me like gold, and expected everyone else to do the same. :)

I always admired the way my Dad would compartmentalize all of his responsibilities. He didn't like to lose, but he didn't bring the disappointment home. I knew being a bishop had its rough nights, and he was gone a lot, at least that's what I'm told...but I think the time he was at home was always so quality, that I never got a chance to miss him. He was DAD whenever you needed him to be. Tossing a ball in the backyard, taking a walk on the boulevard late on a Sunday. Sure there were times I totally resented early curfews and the general overprotective attitude, but I knew it was just because He loved me and was trying to do his best at the whole father thing.

I remember one picture so clearly. Him a proud and smiling father, me, smiling in a gown having just finished Jr. Miss UTAH. I remember thinking I had the best dad in the world, one who encouraged me in all the sports, but who also sat through all the girly ballet recitals and who now endure long pageant competitions. I remember him rolling his eyes and helping me to keep a level head through all of it, I loved him for that.

age 19 - 22

Something totally changed the day I moved to college. My Dad will always be my dad, but suddenly he was more my friend. He'd only solicit advice when I'd ask for it, and often he ask me for advice as well. I remember calling him, telling him my issues with boys, and he'd always have level headed advice, and would often side with the guys!! but only when he knew I was just being a girl and things needed time. He knew how to see issues clearly, and was always kind in trying to help me see things clearly too.

I've appreciated that attitude so much. It was scary at first. My parents let go of the reigns and basically told me I was on my own, both monetarily and in all of my decisions. They were always there to support, and I could ask for advice, but they were not about the tell me what to do anymore. Becoming financially independent so early on was the best gift my parents ever gave to me. I had to struggle and figure it out, but I made it. And I'll never forget the phone call with my dad, he said he was so proud of how I'd made it paying my way through college, no compliment has ever meant so much.

I love how my dad has treated Robby. Taking him fly fishing in Oregon, picking up the guitar and asking for lessons, and teasing him like one of his own. I loved too that not so long ago my dad asked Robby for a priesthood blessing. There relationship is steadily growing and it means so much to me.

TODAY

Just a few nights ago I was home, and my dad was excited to have me read a chapter in the latest Scousen book he was re-reading. All about the moons and earths origins and the religious ties in such a subject, my dad was anxious to ask my opinion and share with me all he'd been learning. I realized in that moment where I'd gotten my love for learning, a love Robby comments on frequently, it's my Dad. And in that moment he paid me a huge compliment as my dad asked me my opinions on the matter, and as our conversation turned more religious he shared his thoughts, and asked for mine. My Dad is smart, and he makes me feel just as intelligent as we have those kind of conversations that aren't so Parent to Child, but are very much Father to Daughter. I felt respected, but gained so much more respect for a father I love so dearly.

Happy fathers day Dad. I hope you know I think you're the greatest.

the other

2009-05-28T13:31:00.001-06:00

it's recently come to my attention that some read this blog, but not the other, so as way of late introduction...

erinandrobby.blogspot.com

why do I have 2? who knows. supposidly the other is for events, this one is more what on my mind... Pretty soon I'll probably just choose one, but until then, happy reading :)

babies

2009-05-28T11:54:00.003-06:00

no, we're not thinking about it, but i did want to shout out to everyone else that is.

Congrats to:

Bethany and Thomas
Jesse and Stephanie
Lyndsay and Russel
Justin and Sarah
and now
Janneke and Danny

wahoo, so many folkdance babies. Congrats again all you cute mother's and father's to be. I'm excited for you!

One

2009-05-03T05:03:00.003-06:00

woke up at 6 am, still jet lagged, but I decided I love China Jet Lag. I'm exhausted at 10, and I wake up on my own at 5 or 6. It starts my day beautifully.

It's Sunday here in Beijing. We were planning on meeting in an ex patriot branch today, but the BYU business group is here too, and the numbers of our combined groups would have overwhelmed the branch, so we had sacrament meeting in the hallway of our hotel. It was a little scary since we could be in big trouble having a religous meeting that wasn't contained in a room... but there were doors to the hallway that we closed, so technically... :)

I love changing things up. Sacrament can become so repetative week after week, that I often miss the spirit of the sacred ordinance. Having the sacrament among close friends, in a hotel hallway, in China, definitely changed the repetition, and I focused.

Today I thought a lot about the actual prayer that is said, and I was caught up in a detail contained in the first few lines... " to the souls of ALL....." Obviously there are conditions for the blessings from our heavenly father, but those conditions lie upon us individually. We ALL are promised the opportunity, whether in this life or the next, to hear and be taught the gospel of Jesus Christ. We ALL can have the blessing of baptism, to have the spirit of Christ with us, to take His name upon us and become His.

This became important as I thought of the many people in China who do not yet have the full blessings of the gospel, or even the opportunity to hear and choose to accept or reject this message.

I believe in a true and just God, one who loves all of his children, and with that knowledge, I know that one day the people of China will be taught and given the choice. They too will have the opportunity of accepting the gospel.

Mike Hinkley poinently described the love that a particular chineese couple must have for their one son. The government will only pay for the education of one child per couple in china, thus many couples choose to only have one child. As Mike talked (or tried to talk) to a couple after one of our shows, they kept showing Mike their son, and it struck him how proud they are of this ONE and only son, how they would do anything and everything for him.

I thought about that love of the one, and remembered a talk from a few months ago.

I remember a time I my life when I wasn't sure if I mattered, if I was a One that HE somehow wasn't aware of, or that maybe I didn't deserve Him to really know me.

Many of us probably have times like this... but I know that He is aware of us, and proud of us, and loves us, even more than that chinese couple loves their son.

I don't fully understand that kind of love, but I believe in it... and I'm grateful that I'm reminded of it here in beautiful China.

and along with spring comes....

2009-04-08T09:44:00.002-06:00

These pants fit too tight, and I want a new swimsuit. I herby sentence myself to a state of limited sugar intake. grapefruit and carrots, grapefruit and carrots. I can do this...

I'm heading to china, and my EBAY account proves it

2009-04-07T10:59:00.003-06:00

I'm so excited!!! Classes are over in 7 days, which means READING DAYS. Contrary to popular belief, reading days are for studying. I believe in popular belief, and reading days are for doing what ever you wish you had done all semester long, and couldn't do at the expense of classes and craziness.

I should probably make fruit pizza....

2009-04-04T19:56:00.002-06:00

we love buy low. consequently, here's the list of fruit in our tiny 9 foot square apartment right now....

-apples
-orange
-bananas
-pears
-grapes (green)
-kiwi
-a lemon
-strawberries
-grapefruit
and a mango.

we are spoiled.... lets hope they don't.

at least there are birds

2009-04-01T13:05:00.002-06:00

I came out of the JSB today, zipping up my winter parka in preparation for the weather this beloved April fools day. Yep, snow, on April 1st. all hail Utah.

I glanced up to find the source of spring sound and found birds, twittering in leafless, artistic branches, silhouetted against a gray and foreboding sky. It reminded me of another run in with birds 2 days ago.

Mando player and I got home late from a show in Monticello Utah, Saturday night, actually sunday morning if you want to be technical. 4 am to 8 am, those were our beloved hours for sleep. 9 am church came with a reminder of the responsibility of educating the sunbeams about the birds and the bees. Ha ha, ya that really was the lesson, "I am grateful for the birds and the insects"

So we planned a field trip. After talking about different insects, and exploring how one might draw them with chalk, we stepped outside to see a real live BIRD. You'd think they'd never seen wings in real life before. Well our hopes were dashed as we looked outside to the blustery, bird-less sky. Oh well, made believe anyone. We went outside anyway, and the fearless sunbeam teachers shared their HUGE jackets that covered 2 1/2 sunbeams each. Mando player made bird sounds, and we pretended that we could see a "bird" up in the tree. Just then our state bird made it's grand entrance into the lesson, right on cue, and swooped in to great the gazing eyes of its eager 4 year old audience. Really these kids need to get out more, they were gleefully excited to see such a 'beautiful bird'.

Huzzah, I'm grateful for birds, and the promise of spring. A promise they'd better keep or I'm going to China. (maybe I'll just go regardless.)

forshadow

2009-03-22T14:54:00.002-06:00

Mando player spend his sunday afternoons at the hospital, he's been racking up the service hours for a few years now, and recently I've started to tag along.

Today I had a glimpse into the future. Mando and I have had a lot of discussions about family life, and how we want to create ours in the midst of medical school and a residency. It's the number one question he grills the doctors he shadows with, and the different responses are surprising and sometimes discourageing.

Just now a darling woman with a girl on her hip, and two skipping beside her, came in to meet doctor dad. He was in scrubs and on the phone with a nurse while the two skippers played in the large revolving doors at the enterance, their spring time dresses reflected an easy breezy carefree life 4 and 6 years olds lead. Mom had a different look, tired, pregnant, but happy still.

Dad got off the phone and appologized to his wife for taking the call, then he cheerfully asked the girls how church was, to which he got a short and sweet repremand, "it was great Dad, but you weren't there huh?!"

I wonder how we're going to do it sometimes. Mando wants to be the doctor dad who makes it home for dinner, and still has time to play in the backyard... and if that means less hours in the hospital, resulting in less money, that's fine. But the truth is, you don't pick your hours during residency, you're a slave, and the hours are harsh.

I was talking with the irish one on the team, and she mentioned that she basically didn't have a dad growing up. That was comforting. hmmm.

I start to wonder where I'm going to fit in this equation, how moms do anything really, the closer I get the more amazed I am by the moms all around me, and the more aprehensive I become in trying to fill the shoes that surely await.

repetition

2009-03-19T22:50:00.002-06:00

Mando player and I have a new study/time managment program thanks to that famous eiline girl. Basically I use it for scripture, and mando uses the system for scriptures, mcat prep, and for practicing.

I've heard the same mandolin run 36 times now, come on get over the phrase, move on, this time? nope, this time... my ears sit with a vague sense of tension, hoping for the melody to move on.. oh there, he finally did it, tension released, until 12 seconds later he runs into a new tricky run in the same solo set, and he's repeating, again, and again.

It's like a record that keeps hitting funny bumps, and plays it over and over, until it's satisfied, or can skip over the little hic-up.

I picked Jeanettes brain recently. WE talked all about her children, and her role in their musical lives. oh man, I know it's coming, sooner than I think, little miniature fiddles and guitars, and the squeaky strings and wrong rythms, ooohhhhh.

Suddenly I can deal with the repetition, at least Mando player is good, like really good :)

The "band" was over the other night... part of their meeting was to discuss band names for their entry into the upcoming fiddle fest, pickle freak, penny brook (both nickle creek knock offs) fell to the final winner, engines of commotion.

I felt like lucy, with my famous ricki recardo husband... I wanted so badly to semak in a add my rhythms on a tambourine, or harmonica. Instead I was content to study in the bedroom, and listen the creative genius flowing from the log cabing room. They can come over any day, I love it.

IN-decision

2009-03-11T18:44:00.002-06:00

I wish there was a think pink medicine for the heart wrenching feeling that seems to exude through my body every time the acronym is mentioned.

P.A.C.

I could stay. I could suffer through the thin time that will be mine as it's stretched over a dance team, student teaching, and all the other last minute classes I want to take (ie: children's lit, Anatomy, Aerobics teaching methods). I could dance and get paid for it, and next year that scholarship money will actually go towards tuition since there will be no major tour fees. I could be more of a leader on the team being a third year, and help train up a new flock of boys (we're getting a bazillion new ones)

OR

I could not dance. and be poor-er (maybe) and have time for classes I want to take, suffer through an identity crisis and a loss of every and all friends. I could be pushed to seek new friends, and new niches, maybe I'd finally make friends in my ward, and become a soccer player again (ya, remember that ERIN? I wasn't always a dancer) And I would promise myself NOT to be one of those dead folk dancers who seem to weasel their way back into every activity. I would quit, cold turkey, and have my memories of China to keep me company.

why not do it though, I'll never get this opportunity again, so why not? I'll have to quit when I leave BYU, so I should just do it.

But all those girls who'd rather see me leave, when I'm gone I open up another spot on the team, and more scholarships. In fact, everyone I talk to thinks I'm gone already.... and it bothers me! I never said I was leaving!!!

But maybe I just should, give other people a chance, plus I'll just have time to see what else BYU has to offer.

WORST CASE SCENARIO (S) -

Get a scholarship, decide not to do it. Ed takes money back to the pool, people are ousted monies. I'm hated
or
not dance, regret it for 10 monthes

BEST -
live with whatever I choose very happily

ohhh, ewww, ahhhh. I hate this feeling. Bring on the bismal.

Today in the cabin...

2009-02-17T22:04:00.004-07:00

Erin: come back here, your new hair cut is hot, and I have celery breath.

Robby: hold on I'm throwing the broom out the window, our windows are so functional.

up to date

2009-02-12T15:50:00.002-07:00

1 hour at a darwin lecture
15 credit hours of class (that's about 50 real hours)
7 hours held hostage at the covey center, in ONE DAY ALONE.
7 more hours for ed
12 hours of work
a few hours for food
not enough hours with Robby

= more hours than four days has to offer.

my country tis of thee

2009-01-28T09:14:00.002-07:00

I've looked inward lately, wondering why it is I think the way I think.

The political fire has been breathing down my neck. The whole world it seems is watching one man, and his attempt to lead a country out of debt and national strife. I've watched form a far, doing my fair share of blog reading and npr listening. I feel patriotic, though concerned with some of the decisions being made, I'm happy to see someone trying to change things.

Patriotism has struck a little closer to home as well.

With MCAT books sprawled around our living room, and Mando player spending more and more time researching med schools, our thoughts have turned to our pocket book. Our goal is to make it out of BYU without any debt, and with our 3rd semester tuition that comes with PAC every year, that's saying something! We knew full well though that as soon as we start med school applications our savings would be shot, average application process cost: 7 grand. yikes!

Then there's med school tuition, our (well more my) number one school checks out at 68,000 a year. A YEAR!! ahhhhh!

Recently it seems one very interesting alternative to loans has been knocking at our door.

Join the Military.

Mando player's cousin, and future Military Chaplain, has been talking to us about all the benefits. Mama S. mentioned that two of the doctors she works with went that route, and a counselor Mando player went and saw mentioned it too, all within 2 days of each other.

How do I feel?

Well the images associated with the military are mostly the army, and my uncle in Iraq, and his family, who had a rough time, and the fact that their family never had enough money, moved yearly and fell away from the church for a long time. I love these cousins, but their life isn't anything I would want. That's my image, the things I associate.

Mando player on the other hand has a military grandfather who is a war hero. Ever heard of the candy bomber? Well everyone in germany has, and most people here. When you've made it onto wikipedia, well you've made it. A total hero, that's my husbands image. Plus his pilot cousin and cousin who is soon to be a chaplain. All very prestigious places to be in the military.

Mando player would get in to med school, serve his residency and then commit 4 years to the military, including being deployed. That word frightens me. But so does debt, and this way the military pays for everything. Of course you don't get paid quite as much, but many people serve their time and then pull out to start their own practice.

There are some interesting questions to still ask, one being, "how did I grow up this fast, since when was I old enough to think about spending 68,000 dollars a year?!"

There is room to redefine the image of patriotism. It's funny how I claim to be proud of my county, but look down on, or at least not want to be a part of those that protect its freedoms. It's a noble thing, I realize, I just wonder if it's what I want for my family. But the more we find out, the better that option looks. Sigh. I wonder what will happen.

multi-media

2009-01-20T12:49:00.003-07:00

We headed to Barnes and Noble for FHE last night, in hopes of finding a book to read together. Anna Karenina, the Woman in White, and A colection of Sherlock Holmes stories were purchased, and Anthem is on our list.

Then we headed to Block Buster, and rented an Oscar Wilde classic, The Importance of Being Ernest.

and what do you think we did for family night?

visions

2008-12-26T17:26:00.002-07:00

Christmas eve walks are magical. I remember one with my brother when we were younger. He's in brasil now, and I miss him.

Kirtly's next to serve, and now I have a midnight walk memory with her.

I was getting over a cold, but that didn't matter. She packed the tiny stove, hot chocolate mix, and I of course brought the childrens' book; the little match girl. Derek and Herby completed our gaggle and we headed out into the midnight wonder.

It was a still and silent night, and if I'd been younger I'd worry that we might scare Santa away from the neighborhood.

We wandered in all the magic of new snow and sparkling lights, and I was again intrigued with the beauty of Kirtly Sorensen. She's magical, and makes you feel important. She asked me questions, and I found answers about who she is. Adventuresome, busy, positive, hopeful.

We made it to the 'look out' and took in the beauty of electricity. It's still amazing to me how many lights are on at night. The city was supposed to be asleep, but the road lights said otherwise. We watched, and read, and with the strike of the last match, saw visions for our future.

Herby: probably the green chew toy she would open the next morning.
Derek: A victory to take him to boy's nation
Kirtly: happiness in the phillipeans.
Me: a little long haired brunette named annie. (I'm excited for red too, but we couldn't punish her with daddy warbux references.)

We slowly made our way back home, and I drank in the last of our magical stroll. I love snow, and white, brilliant, quiet beauty. Thanks Kirtly.

fall semester 2008

2008-12-16T11:49:00.003-07:00

argh. It's come to this. I've been putting off the reality of my failure, at least in the academic world. I finally stared down my grades, and I was disappointed, in myself mostly. I totally failed. And then I was directed here. and I feel better. Accept reality and move on. Bring on January 5 and 17 new credits.

CAW

2008-12-09T13:45:00.004-07:00

I survived the acronym!

Christmas Around the World has come and gone yet again, four times not I've been in the holiday show, but this year was different.

My Folk dance story is similar to his. No I didn't want to be a folk dancer since I was three, but as soon as I knew about Christmas around the world, I had a desire to wear nightgowns and red hopak boots. It was the ultimate arrival. You knew you ahd made it in the folk dance world if you could be seen with a hopak basic and some red ribbons in your hair at the end of a long dress rehearsal.

This year was the year, and I loved every second. It's easy to complain about how much time you don't have, and how many assignments you aren't doing your best on when you devote every evening to the depths of the Marriott center for 5 days straight. But then you stop, and you notice the magic of lit Christmas trees, and the way the puzzle like a way a show comes together. I stopped and watched girls putting make-up on boys, and watched, Ron fixing stressed muscles. Ed is in his element, and is bounding every which way, staying up till 3 am staining bread and salt plates for the Ukrainian presentation. I saw that band and the dancers talking, the girls bonding over dressing room things that I won't mention here, and boys trying to see how much they could eat without affecting their performance.

Christmas Around the world is especially wonderful because it has become a sort of anniversary for mando player and I. A year ago we flirted as I warmed up in an Irish costume to the mandolin music of nickel creek. He played and I danced. Magic. There's really nothing like it.

This year he found ways to surprise me, puzzle pieces, notes, flowers and kiss on stage. I fell in love again with this wonderful red head who makes me see all the magic of Christmas each day I'm with him.

I love that we can express emotion through dance. Chinese was filled with the wonderment of beauty. I remember having those thoughts as I first listened to the song we dance to over a year ago. Hopak is filled with pride for family and values. Israeli is a prayer to God, and I think of the God I know and love as I dance. Irish is magic, always magic, but on Saturday it was different. I collected my thoughts off stage as I prepared for the soft shoe number and my thoughts turned to mando player and the love I feel for him. I danced love, and it was the most beautiful I've ever felt. Love radiated and I felt loved as I leapt across the stage. Then he was there, waiting in the wings as I skipped into the darkness. I couldn't help it then, and I cried knowing that love knows no bounds, and that the love I felt right then would only grow over time.

I love you mando player.

Wordidle

2008-11-25T01:05:00.004-07:00

I was inspired by a friend to create this.  Boo, even
my writing has been taken over by one very small, yet
powerful word.  At least Mando is in there.... somewhere.

gypsi emos

2008-11-20T21:50:00.005-07:00

Flamenco.

I've been studying it in my Spanish dance class, she's been trying to help us relate. It's not just dancing, it's feeling, testifying, it's introverted in that you are dancing more for your self than the audience. To bring it home she 'likened it unto" a testimony, where you speak for other to hear, but honestly it's more for yourself, your listening, feeling, and then all of a sudden you're on your on feet, speaking.

Like a flamenco cafe, your listening to the singers, acting out rhythms with various pal mas, or hand claps, you're feeling the emotions of the song and then, all of a sudden, you're sharing your on the floor, speaking with your feet.

It's incredibly powerful, honest, seductive, beautiful and elegant. I'm in love with this style of dance.

The dancing originated from the Spanish gypsyies, their songs were full of mourning, of loss, they were a lower class and their dance reflected their songs. Just as Spain was searching for their national dance, the gypsy dancers were gaining popularity by the locals. The government took these gypsy movements and refined them in flamenco schools. Now these emotional gypsy dances are performed all over Spain in flamenco dance cafe's.

thank you to the emo's of Spain for this beautiful style of dance.

AS SEEN ON (and heard in) THE TALMAGE

2008-11-20T21:46:00.003-07:00

I'm sorry if you don't get these... they're math jokes mostly, or else funny because of the people who said them. I love my math nerd friends. We're all weird, and its ok.

-We do it because it's truth. heard
-Said by a girl, about a boy she kinda has a thing for...."We just couldn't get past the bijection, he didn't know how to define it."

-"I'm tempted to define that." "Tempted beyond reason?" "Since when does reason play into math??"

-found in a math text "duplicating the precise function within the limits specified would be AWKWARD." yes that word really was in a math book. happiness.

-Isn't it funny how I can't even tell you what number theory is about... and you're a math major!!!... wait let me try. the theory of numbers, like primes, and stuff. proofs, ya proofs. uh, we suck.

-I hate teenagers, why do i want to teach them again?

-They say Mathematic and Physics majors outscore every other major on the LSAT, what they forgot to tell you was the suicide rate in those majors... it the Math Lab a lone it's 20% mortality rate!!

and there you have it, why I haven't posted in the last bit. Math, oh and this, I've been keeping it up as well. la la la.

Sister, Sister

2008-11-13T19:59:00.010-07:00

I've never had sisters like this. I'm 7 and 10 years older than my sisters, so I was more of a mom anyway. It's fun to see them grow up, and I love them dearly. I feel so lucky to have two more to love.

Last night the sisters came over to share in domestication. We made banana bread and told boy stories.

These crazy redheads make me smile.

One is into everything active, be it cycling, horse back riding, swimming, running, cliff diving or free falling. Talk about sucking the marrow of life out of a crazy straw, a crazy straw with a parachute. I liked her instantly. I remember the first time I met her, mando player and I were not even dating yet. He was over, and she came boundingg in the door and down the stairs to pick up her beloved brother for an afternoon of finals free skiing. It was insta friend, and from then on we called each other sister, even when things were a little shaky with her brother and I. She makes you feel good about yourself, so quickly. Why? Because she's good. Always thinking about someone else, quietly running service organizations and leaving goodies on random doorsteps. I aspire to be more like her when I grow up. Her papers are in and it's a strange thing to watch, knowing it was a goal I postponed for a few family raising years. She also studies hard, another thing i'll do when i grow up :) She just glowes, beauty, true beauty. She's studying to become a nurse, like the one she was named for, her kindness and goodness is perfect for the profession, and her crazy energy will have all the patients smiling. I love that girl. All smiles, that's her.

And two. It took me longer to get to know her, she's gorgeous, I mean really, red hair never looked so good, and her man knows it. And no that's not mando player, although at first glance you might wonder:) Its something I love about this crazy family, they love each other, sibling ties will keep that family going through any storm. Two works in flower shops, aces math tests, and makes us all laugh with her ridiculous stories of tu-tu wearing zombies, and ice skating heroics. We bonded getting ready one morning, lamenting the ever present, and ever ridiculous pressure to get ready, showering happens of necessity, and it is postponed when ever possible, simplify, that's our creed. I was glad to have a crime in hygiene. It's just easier to add more bobbypins and spray grapefruity-licious-smell-good-stuff. She pulls off short hats better than anyone I know, and honestly could do anything she wanted. She's not afraid to be herself, and I love that, and she has a deep sense of loyalty. You can see it in the way she loves, the way she finds good in those she's around. I feel better being around her. She makes me smile too.

Luv Luv Luv. Sisters. who knew it could get this good?

never too far gone.

2008-11-13T15:20:00.001-07:00

This made me cry today.

Good to know I'm alive I guess.

Test Tasters.

2008-11-13T14:11:00.003-07:00

Don't let your brain fix the title. It's not about taste testing, not about Mexican tortilla test tasters, although that did contribute to the general thought provoked day.

Jim Hiebert, from the University of Delaware, will speak on "The Constantly Underestimated Challenge of Improving Mathematics Instruction." went to this today. was depressed just like he said I might be. because I've been taught for 16 years how to teach math, and there's a system in place, and unless I'm completely dedicated to pushing back against a system, I somehow feel I'll never 'make a difference' or at least that what I do for a few years in a geometry class room won't really influence america's math education ratings when compared to Hungry (I've been there by the way.)

Never make a difference. I've been tasting tests all of my life, and generally they are like spinach. I see the good in them as I've gotten older, and I like them, or have learned to tolerate and do well.

I ate a spinach salad today. And that blasted nutrition shoulder angel came out to play, thank you mando player. Suddenly spinach is only good if it was fortified in the right soil, magnesium may or may not be in my digestive system, only a farmer from some lower minimum wage country knows, or could know and probably doesn't care.

My thoughts were elevated, literally as I spiraled the stairs to see the new church education exhibit. "Joseph, God's Student" caught my eye. And I began to wonder about the perfect teachers.

Teachers who give tests, but not the same ones, teachers who care about they're students, intimately and who love them. Teachers who give extra credit, bonus points, who judge with fairness, and who also show mercy. Two exemplary teachers, who never give up.

This world is not perfect, and my math classroom is bound to have problems. I've gone through ups and down lately, wondering if I'll really love it, or have the 'fire' she told me it will take. I worry, and it doesn't help.

He's excited for boys state, another blog entirely, but it reminder me of her. Taking 18 credits, in the honors program, all smiles and all A's, and I asked her what in the world she would do with her life.

"I'm going to be the most well-rounded, highly educated mom out there."

to a list of girls I looked up to, who added "and be a mom" to their already impressive list of aspirations, she quickly jumped to the top.

I'm idealistic today, but I might as well try.

booking my face

2008-11-06T17:51:00.001-07:00

I'm turning myself in. NO cuff's needed, I'll come quietly. snap the mug shots. I'm done. Done with facebook that is, and wasting time. I here pledge to spend facebooking time on this blog. promise.

Raindrips through sunshine. How.

2008-09-24T23:00:00.003-06:00

I've got a golden ticket, and I flet like singing. Well its not actually gold, but there's a gold inscription that means everything to me.

He talked for over an hour, and I was surprised at the change in my attitude. I wanted in and out, homework was desperate for attention, and my body and mind tired mid-week. I wondered why he didn't seem rushed, when this appointment was next to impossible to schedule in the first place.

He talked for over an hour, and in the course of that hour I was left with little stories to delve into again and again, little life lessons that will filter accross my memory at some later date, to teach me of truth that I need to understand in that moment. He was in tune, and knew how to calm me, to teach and even console me.

Then T said something, and it was an answer to the poetic mess my mind had created. So many stories, people and their love for me coming together. So many questions still, but so much peace.

I have a piece of paper that means everything to me. I will find answers, I will find joy, and even more peace. I am not afraid, I do not question, I will listen and be taught, obey with exactness and watch the heavens unfold.

a dancers lament

2008-09-18T12:09:00.002-06:00

stage make-up. hate it. In the words of a theatre ballerina, while taking off fake eylashes... "why again did I decide to dance? Why not trak? Then I could have looked ugly, and mascara wouldn't be neccessary!"

She took the words right out of my mouth. truth and light, truth and light.

And as if scrubbing my face raw every night wasn't bad enough, Edwin request that are hair be 'fluffy and curled' for the israeli dance. It used to be that slickng your hair back in an effortless, nasty, bun made up for the blush and eyshadow drama. Put enough gel in and the hair style will hold for two, maybe even three shows. huzzah.

but not this time. 5 shows + a dress rehearsal = 6 showers and blowdryer expeditions.

and then I saw this, and I was intrigued. Its called Dry Shampoo. no shower needed. love love love.

because I forgot?!

2008-09-17T10:35:00.002-06:00

There's been a lot of awesomeness in my life lately. Black and white versions have been documented in less than cyber ways, but luckily some technology has been used for your viewing pleasure.

It happened on July 3, read here.

celebrated like this

in Love with him.

the awkward ballerina

2008-09-15T18:44:00.002-06:00

so here's the thing. I took ballet, for 4 years... IN ELEMENTARY. and now I'm leaping across the stage with 5 other "real" dancers, 2 of them trained ballerinas. boo.

World of Dance is becoming my world for the next 6 nights, tonight's opener rehearsal was an added 'bonus' I didn't know about. Mr. Edwin G himself asked me at 5:45 if I could be at the DeJong at 6. again boo.

Turns out the opener was really a swap meet of dancing, the idea is great, modern doing cougarette jazz, ballerina's shaking their hips in ballroom fashion, and folk dancers making fools of themselves for trying to copy anything that uses upper body at all.

no, I should give us more respect, at least we have matty, he can dance better than any girl out there, most of the cougarettes included.

Folk dance, by definition, is hoping and skipping in various forms, and while its not given the credit it deserves, and can be extremely technical in its own right (Irish, clog....) Its just not a genera that melds to others, rather Folk Dancers don't leap, or cha cha. well, maybe some do. But I sure don't.

Pray for my cute legs, that they might break the 40 degree mark, pray that I don't awkwardly trip and fall as I leap with the ballerinas.

deadline weekend

2008-09-15T10:41:00.002-06:00

I finally feel settled, the flowers are ordered, the cake has been chosen and the invitations are done!!! (well there are still a few stragglers, but basically) Saturday we chose music, finished choosing our pictures and met our awkward, but somehow lovable videographer for an interview. The Brown vs. Black tux battle has yet to break, but I'm confident that won't be too tragic, assuming I win of course :)

now what is left....

nothing, I can't think of anything....

oh wait.

his ring.
fine, I'm not done. boo.

ALSO... how in the world did we actually run out of invitations?! We shouldn't know that many people. I blame face book.

guilt

2008-09-04T21:11:00.002-06:00

professor leatham talked about web presence, and journal guilt. An old friend named blog turned in its grave. I'm back, with lots of new thoughts, and a new busy schedule to weave blogging time into. but i want to write.

sorry Europe, you'll live on in a black and white memory, handwritten, and tucked away with the piles of journals that previously filled my guilt.

now for streams of conscience entitled, rain filled sunshine, God's characteristics, and the absolute infinity of primes.

Bratislava Slovakia

2008-07-11T13:58:00.004-06:00

highlights...

-first fireside ever in slovakia

-the french horn during one of our songs

-2 euro's worth of ice cream, and wink at the vendor to add another scoop ;)

-daisy chains at the castle

-skinny dipping at the lake behind our hotel (it wasn't me!!)

vienna.

2008-07-11T13:49:00.003-06:00

we were only here for two hours. beetoven's house was closed for those exact two hours. lame. but we got our heads in, and yes, there was a piano.

because a picture is worth a thousand words, and I only have time for fifteen.

2008-07-11T10:49:00.007-06:00

Budapest...

a few videos.

1. running in the rain from our show back to the hotel.

2. Hero Square on May 1

Vienna... is coming.

heard in the herold

2008-04-18T18:13:00.003-06:00

-I just don't care anymore, I know I should, but I don't
-why 7am, why?!?
-Some people just aesthetically please me.
-Hey its dan it's stan the man so here's the plan....
-I'm like my biggest fan. go me.

innocent intrusion

2008-04-05T01:53:00.006-06:00

I'm not quite sure why it happened, but it happened to me. Here it sat waiting for me all day, when upon one click I stepped accidentally into this wonderful world of only one author...and now there are two. When I could have "hidden your shoes" so to speak, I decided instead to leave a gold coin for you to find next time you slipped them on.

Dear Author,

There are times when it is good to be reminded of the things you hope are true. Here are some I have noticed in you, as a friend:

I noticed your smile makes mine bigger, that your laugh does too. I noticed that you mean it, and how much better it is when you do. I noticed that you care, about everyone...not just me. I noticed that you love to learn, that you find meaning where others never looked, that you try new things even if you're afraid.

There are some people that can't get enough of you. You choose the right, and fix it when you chose wrong. You take care of what you have, and make the best of it all. You're not in a hurry, but you're not messing around. You deserve flowers. You see the greener side, and when I'm on your shoulders, I can see it too. You work hard. Really hard. You are worth knowing, and cherishing. You are beautiful.

just a small way to say thanks for being you.

- a friend

for paige

2008-04-02T00:02:00.003-06:00

I traversed the freeways with Michelle today and found myself at an opposite campus. oh the u. confession: I secretly want to go to the U for a semester and live in salt lake and take in that city.

My beautiful and classy mom was asked to speak in women's conference this year. Today was her 'test' run as she presented her talk to an institute class.

I love her, I love her poise, her spirit, and her beautiful words spoken from a mother who knows God. I loved her thought on motherhood, and its divine role in all of our lives.

As a part of her talk she quoted an entry form my journal. I was fifteen, and I'd forgotten how I really do feel about motherhood. I was reminded today, and I was grateful.

August 24, 2002

Do you ever have so many dreams and expectations that 'just being a mom' doesn't' seem quite good enough? I know, I know. Being a Mom is the most important thing a woman can do. It is a noble and righteous calling.

But what about Joan of Arch, Madam Curie, Helen Keller, or Eleanor Roosevelt? I've always wanted to be more... important because I stand up and stand out in the world. I wan t to be more.

They say the sky is the limit, so naturally, I want the stars.

When people say 'what will you be when you grow up?' I used to answer a dancer, a soccer player. Now I answer an architect and a pediatrician. I want to work for the CIA or FBI. I'm going to be an astronaut, and I'm going to be a world famous ambassador who has the gift of tongues and can help solve problems with her vast knowledge.

I want to be wise and smart, but playful and fun. I want to go beyond the limits - set new expectations. I want to invent a cure for cancer, patch the hole in the ozone layer, talk to dolphins, discover the mysteries of the rain forest. Then I'll be the first woman on Mars, and invent the rocket that gets us there. I'll work for NASA, I'll be in the government, first woman president. Then I'll go perform on Broadway.I'll help the orphans in Africa, find a cure for leprosy, I'll help the kids with cleft lips in Asia and then... then I will learn to fly - fly with the birds, fly with the wind on my own power.

If the sky is the limit, I want the stars.

I will be quoted like president Hinkley and I'll stand up for my country like Joan of Arch. I'll score the winning goal in the World Cup finals. I will do great. I will be great.

And when I've done all that there will be only one thing greater, to be a God. and the only way to do that will be to follow Heavenly Fathers plan, which means I will be a Mom.

I guess He must know best, He is God. So I won't just be a Mom, I'll be a Heavenly Mother in Training.

So all this time, when I've though about reaching for the stars, well now the plan is to be the one who creates those stars.

Erin

Do something that scares you every day... and smile about it.

2008-03-29T15:34:00.001-06:00

I did another scary thing. I sang. And it was recorded. And it actually didn't sound so bad. Thanks mando player :)

string theorists and sharp copiers

2008-03-25T19:53:00.006-06:00

The artist sister is wowed by life. I like that.

I like that I'm easily entertained by simple things, like pink milk and flexi straws.

Artist sister is wowed by the sharp copier at work, it can staple, sort, punch holes, send images as emails, and copy.

We were all wowed by string theory.

The majority of the office went to the forum today, and couldn't stop talking about what they heard.... all this coming from theatre and media arts enthusiasts who freak out about the numbers they have to assign to the pages of a syllabus. Seriously, Swenson asks for help every time. Numbers scare her. So how was this physics/mathematics genious reaching out to the masses and generating this spark plug effect in everyone's mind? Well maybe it wasn't everyone, but it sure sent me thinking.

All I've wanted to do since noon is sit and think and write and read. Instead I had to go to school. It was the ultimate illustration of Mark Twains famous creed, "do not let school get in the way of your education." Education at its best would be students reading, discussing and thinking, motivated purely by the education itself, and not the grade, and as Dr. Math/History pointed out so poignantly yesterday, GPA's are bogus anyway... yet we still conform. Bah, and apparently I'm seeking out a profession that traps me in the 'educational' system forever. To reform? To deal with? Who knows.

ANYWAY.......

The elegant universe.

His words got me thinking. So many thoughts today, buzzing around in my head, some landing long enough for my vision to focus and glean something small, before they'd fly off again. Some thoughts connected and seemed to buzz at a similar frequency as the thoughts previous, but most just sped around in a jumbled array of chaos.

I have in my head an image of a model of quarks, the quantum mechanics model of the universe, where position and motion affect each other inversely, and disarray reigns. It matches the image of my ideas, and the concept of mortals and their seemingly frantic and conflicted existence.

Like the juxtaposition of Einsteins model of the universe, and the quantum theories that rule the microscopic, our own vision and understanding opposes the calm, wide and deep vision of an all knowing all comprehending Father.

If we could pull ourselves up, elevated to a transcendent state, we could 'stretch' the turbulent tumultuous events in our short lives, and see them as small pieces in an infinite puzzle that builds a divine eternity. If we could share the perspective of the Creator at all times, we might understand our existence as Einstein explained planetary movement, like a gentle geometry, complex yet constant, calm, converging to truth.

But I can't. I must settle for these glimpses of light, when the confusion and buzzing settles enough for my vision to grasp divinity.

Jack's Back!!!

2008-03-25T00:30:00.007-06:00

Jack is no longer Jacked. Yay.

So here's the thing; I'd like to consider myself a responsible person, at least somewhat. I did find a godfather for jack, who brought him back to life, not once, but twice.. and then it was winter, and I left Jack in the snow, and I forgot all about him.

It was warm, really warm. Its that cruel Utah air that turns the world pleasant for a few days before dumping an April snow. Those pseudo spring days make the roommate suggest crazy things like rock climbing and tanning. And I should be responsible, so I don't go to class, and I forget about homework, and I rekindle a relationship with a long lost friend. Responsible.

That day I washed him, and took him to his 'check up'.... and also got checked out myself I'll have you know. It's like those Jiffy Lube guys haven't seen a girl in nine years (and probably haven't washed their greasy grimmy hands in that long either.) Then I filled out his birth certificate paperwork and Jack became a legal citizen.
We've been cruising provo together, creating new memories and bonding like we never have before.

I'm such a good mom.

...and

the 'godfather' was proud. He even came over for Jack's ceremonial christening. He's official now,

licence plate and everything. Huzzah.

post script on happiness

2008-03-21T20:27:00.000-06:00

found this today...

"Before, I used to know all the answers. And all of a sudden, life becomes very important. Each day needs to be a good day. Like Elder Nelson says, 'Joy in the morning.' Every day I wake up, and I have joy. And boy is that person in trouble that takes it away!" she laughs. "You have to choose to be happy. And so I learned a whole bunch about happiness." -Susan Easton Black

a matter of choice

2008-03-21T01:45:00.010-06:00

mando player and I were talking about happiness tonight, the idea, the details, the choice, or the involuntary state of being. It seems like like such and easy thought, happy. It's simple... right?

Or is it.

Happiness is...

-finishing a test you've studied your heart out for, regardless of outcome
-finding an Easter basket form your sweet mother at home when you get there
-having a little brother who texts you for your advice, a lot.
-finding a packet of oatmeal in you backpack that can provide sustenance
-having a roommate who cares about where you are, and what you're doing
- starting up the motorcycle on a morning that's warm enough to let you enjoy it...with someone else if you're lucky
-sleeping in and waking to rainy clouds that hug the mountains and shrink the world, nesting it in a safe haven that catches all of you warm, unabashed thoughts as they float lazily and dreamily through your half conscious and sleepy mind
-finding time to read your scriptures, knowing that they are more important in the long run than any math assignment
-seeing an old friend and remembering their dogs name
-being complimented by a classmate on a presentation you spent hours on, and one you weren't that confident of
-finding a surprise text message
-singing a song, loudly, and secretly hoping someone heard you
-dancing in the moonlight, or sunlight, or no light at all.

I was happy this week. I decided to be. In three of the past four nights I found my bed after 2am. I've had projects, and test, and other crazy time sucking demands in my life. I decided Monday that rather than have a week of stress that weighed me down, I would have a week of adventure, and I challenged myself to keep a positive attitude and a smile on my face through it all.

I did it.

It's been a grand adventure, and as I relayed the weeks event to my classy and beautiful mother, she asked me why I was happy, and why I was still awake.

It was a choice, but during so many parts of my week the happiness felt involuntary. I wonder how much one effects the other, the choice and the surmounting, seemingly choice-less happiness.

A wise girl once reminded me of a commandment we often over look. Be cheerful. Decide for that to be a part of you who are. Or fake it till you make it. Its surprising how far a little acting can go.

Men are that they might have joy. We are here to find happiness. Happiness is aligning your own will with that of a higher power.

"when I obey, I'm happy all day" my great aunt brainwashed me with this trite phrase when I was a young 'sponge' soaking in anything and everything. When I make a choice, I find myself happier. When I choose to be happy, happiness finds me, and I am swept away involuntarily into a world of better, and good, joy and happiness.

Is it really that simple? Do people make me happy? Do certain people make me happy? My initial answer is yes, yes of course. I wonder still how much that happiness, even the happiness evoked from anther's presence, is still a part of our choice, conscious or not.

I wonder, and I think, I pause and I stop. All I know is that I am happy. And I choose to stay that way for a while.

engineered by dr. sues, illustrated by eric carl... again

2008-03-18T16:33:00.003-06:00

Do you have five minutes? Search for an email that you wrote one year ago on this day exactly. You might be surprised.

"I was searching for some legal... and cohesive way to write you this week. I think I've done this begin-with-lyrics-and-trail-to-the-life-story thing before, but with the new shins cd, and the brilliant concert still ringing in my ears, I thought it all too fitting to at least tempt you with the first few words in their wondrous compositions... so

track 1. sleeping lessons ...and flow eviscerate your fragile frame and spill it out on the ragged floor a thousand different versions of yourself.... so wow, good lines huh? basically this could be taken ridiculously deep and applied to ......versions of erin before and after college. but instead (because my writing skills can't organize those thoughts) I shall tell you about another image conjured in my head from said lines. dancing. oh but not just any dancing, crazy, unabashed, free of form and critique movement. Basically the cute girls across the street had a dance party. really it was just another excuse for the 6 of us to listen to good music and completely vent through movement.....

track 5. sealegs ...but we got sealegs and we're off tonight they can't have that to which they've no right you belong to a simpler time I'm a victim to the impact of these words and this rhyme... Well I'm sure james mercer was talking about something else, but I was thinking about the impact of written words, your words particularly, and the impact they have on me. Victim may have the some wrong connotations, but the whole involuntary aspect of victim may ring true. I was discussing with a friend semi-recently about the love languages. have you heard of them? there are 5 main love languages.. quality time, actions, gifts, touch, and words of affirmation. According to the theory we all accept or understand love shown in all of these forms, but we have a main form, and when that is in check we respond to the other languages even better. I have discovered my main language, if i were to have one, is words of affirmation. spoken, but even more so written. I guess I'm lucky thats how I've been connected to you for the past 20 months, letters. and incredibly lucky you've been so diligent in writing. I received a letter a few days ago, and fell victim to the words......... in your letter, yes i remember the kings of convenience song, actually i think its become my theme song, and michelle will testify how I can't sit still when it comes on. I adore it. .

Track 11. a comet appears ...close your eyes to corral a virtue, is this fooling anyone else, never worked so long and hard to cement a failure... ok, just focus on the word corral. and then think equestrian. basically i really wanted to tell you about my presidents day adventure, and i needed a word to tie in horseback riding... bu the lyrics deserve dissecting later. so riding.. Michelle and i went out for a few hours, guided by a friend who owns the beautiful animals. IT was beautiful.. It had snowed a ton the night before and was still snowing as we saddled up the horses. The canyon was loaded with snow frosted trees, their branches creating an intricately laced pattern of white against the dusty blue background of sky.....

love erin

p.s. if there was time i'd expound, but there isn't. I had to send you these lyrical lines anyway, and while I'm sure you don't have time to dissect them either, maybe you can read a few before you sleep to help direct your dreams.

...the lonely are such delicate things, the wind from a wasp could blow them into the sea with stones on their feet lost to the light and the loving we need...

...you can fake it for a while, bite your tongue and smile, like every mother does her ugly child...

...Of all the churning random hearts under the sun, eventually fading into night, these two are opening now......its like I'm perched on the handlebars of a blindman's bike, no straws to grab just the rushing wind....you made it through the direst of straits all right can you help it if plain love now seems less interesting, you haven't changed an ounce in my eyes and I can not lecture you, and does anything I say seem relevant at all?...

chayote

2008-03-13T22:18:00.004-06:00

The check out man at macy's calls it coyote (he was super fast at the check out process btw.)

Its green. It's gown in costa rica, and smells kinda like a cucumber. Also it is supposed to have regenerative properties, hence this picture. Wikapedai told us so Cucumbers are a lot less cumbersome though. ha ha. Basically Roommate and I had wonder moment today, for the price of fifty cents! We were at good old Macy's, buying grocery's for the first time since we'd been back from tour (that was 2 weeks ago!) when we happened apon a sale we couldn't pass up. I mean who can resist green pear looking south american squash for fifty cents!!

SO we took it home... and opened it.

I hate it when she does that.

We cooked it.

and ate it. AND...... it tasted good, or at least not bad. Definitely worth half a washington.

Thoughts and Thin Mints

2008-03-13T16:18:00.002-06:00

I'm at work. This usually means I'm transcribing. or running random errands. or laughing to myself watching someone try to work the copy machine just long enough so that when I swoop in from my office perch to save the day my entrance in dramatically timed and they praise me to all ends for pushing the correct button. ( I know that the last paragraph was completely and utterly grammatically incorrect, the punctuation off, and the sentence run-on. it was done intentionally. Literary vice. Dig deep, I'm sure you'll find meaning.)

But right now there's nothing to do. nothing. I refilled the post-its, sent a fax, and now I'm eating girl scout cookies. Thin mints, though I prefer samoas, but I wasn't here in time to vote on which box to open for the office perusal.

and now for some thoughts cycling the synapse of my mind

-will it rain tomorrow? I want to go rock climbing.
-What does a parabolic function actually represent in real life? acceleration verses time, the motion of a projectile maybe. And if you have 2 linear function, and you multiply them together to get a quadratic, what pictorially did you do exactly? and can you find 2 linear functions in the motion of a projectile verses time? (I drew these thoughts out on the back of a "lost and found - 7 short plays" flier.
-why am I not in Hawaii. seriously why.
-I like seeing mando player, he's fun to be with. Do I need to think about what that does and doesn't mean? Can't I just let it be?
- I got a scholarship, yahoo.
-If the Kiev days people want us to stay we might see Berlin. pray. pray hard. pray now.
-I named a dance in 270 today. She wanted a name in Russian, I used one of the first Russian words I ever learned. oot-kah (phonetically of course, like I actually know the Russian alphabet) It means duck. Turns out writing that boy for 2 years totally paid off.
-Miss T's coming back to PAC, maybe. I hope. And she's going to teach us some African dancing. I heart her and her potty mouth. pooh sticks. who says that? Miss T
-I bet I'd be bad at long boarding
-I hate spending money on food
-The beautiful cousin is in Jr. Miss Utah this weekend, and she probably had her interview sometime this morning.... those are so fun, and scary, and nerve racking, and wonderful. hope she did well, hope she lowered her high pitched voice. It's dumb, but it makes a difference. That's how I did it, man voice = confidence, intelligence, charisma. Don't believe me? Suppose Elle Woods really was brilliant and didn't just happen to know something about a perm on the right day, then she would have a low voice, but she doesn't. And suppose Oprah Winfrey has no power, no charisma, and no intelligence. Then she has a high voice, but she doesn't. there proof by contradiction.
-What time is it? "time of our lives, anticipation... schools out! Scream and shout!" (sung in my head by the way.)
-I can't believe I just admitted to that last thought
-I'm wearing a watch today. I never wear a watch. Its silver, and gold. Makes me think of my grandma. Its pretty. I like it.
-I'm wearing earring too. Mando player thought they were real... as in not clip on, but they are.
-Why am a wearing a watch and earring's?
-8 minutes till I can leave.
-Burt's Bees is the Best. It makes me think of Lovely, as in the person I gave that nym to, not the adjective.
-I need to go help a guy in the math lab. time to go.
-Roommate never came to get her thin mint.
-Roommate just called. Thin mints are worth it I guess.

bear naked paige

2008-03-10T20:57:00.004-06:00

We experimented last night. Mando player came over and helped me create these delectable morsels of goodness. He's into that healthy food thing. I'm not. But we came together, healthy trail mix for him, butter and chocolate for me.

We should sell them.....All the goodness of mom's homemade chocolate chip oatmeal chocolate cookies, enhanced with the tantalizing flavors of Bear Naked(tm) trail mix . Your mouth will thank you. I can hear the advertisement now.

and thanks to Paige for idea, they were brilliant.

oh oh, and please notice the cute cookie jar!!! and the cute girl behind it. All that domestication coming out of one picture, all I have to say is bring on the children, bring 'em on.

and they all lived happily ever after

2008-03-09T19:24:00.010-06:00

Its not every day you get to dress up as a disney princess.... let alone 4. Happy folkdance winter gala disney party.

JASMINE - notice the hair... so awesome.

POCAHONTAS - this used to be an old Shakespearean costume... probably for a man, there were probably tights involved. just imagine....

BELLE - she has brown eyes, I have blue, it's been the plague of my existence since I was 8

And finally AURORA - I know, blond hair, not brown... sorry. and yes this is an eighties prom dress being put to good use. oh, and thanks to jen from the crown.

now if I could only find my true prince charming to gallop in on a white horse, my knight in shining armor to rescue me from the dull college life I live and whisk me away to some happily ever after...... close will, close :)

stairway to

2008-03-08T16:13:00.002-07:00

someday the stairs will be finished and I will miss the exhausting trek from the math lab, through the glass and concrete box the temple came in, also known as the tanner. And I will miss the smell of dust and concrete infiltrating my senses as I tramp through the pedestrian walkway next to all the construction. I will miss looking like a smelly dancer, dressed in sweats, peruseing through all of the dressed up attractive males hoping to scale corporate latters in later years. I will miss running into every clogging class 3 minutes late, and being completely outof breath upon entering every math class. someday those stairs will be done and I will be sad.

Today on Tour.....

2008-02-23T23:47:00.003-07:00

-The truck broke down.
-WE got yelled at when taking pictures by an old barn.
-Rosie played vogue and modeled in front of an old orange car.
-Rapper sword DIED on stage, Ed ran to the dressing room, he couldn't watch.
- A horse sneezed on Katie
-Ron lost hope we'd ever gain control of our giggles.
-We ate, ice cream and spaghetti, and sour patch kids.
-Warm ups were out side in the warm SUN!!!
-Tracy hollered like Zina warrior princess.
-McCall and I went home to a house made by the government in the 1940's.
-Rustin and I did Choreographed a raptor dance, watch out Ed.
-Lucy (the family dog) is a pit bull, an she loves us :)
-There was no ripple bow in Irish!!!
-I got a pass-along card from a missionary watching the show. He wrote down his address. lamo, so lamo
-I tried to knit, and started over three times, Robby made fun of me.
-The hutsel girls 'wooooo'd' like excited mountain women and it rattled the lights.... wow.
-I met a girl from albania, who LOVED LOVED LOVED the show.
-We sang Colby callai and braided like mad.
-We laughed, and giggled, and couldn't control the happiness.
-We went through 47 bags of ice after the last show.

The last home game...

2008-02-21T16:30:00.003-07:00

I'm a little bit obsessed with high school basketball. But when your dad is the head coach, grandpa assists, and all three three younger brothers are on the team, it kinda makes sense. I grew up watching my Dad coach the braves, but this year has been by far the best, a complete family ordeal.

My sisters, Mom, and grandma have our placed saved behind the team, we've sat there for years, and I mean 18 years.

I sat there last night, with a video camera in hand, watching Jordan play for the last time on the Bountiful court. It was so weird. Half time came faster than I thought it would, we were ahead, but I was holding back tears.

Now I know I'm a girl, but I wasn't just sad because this is the LAST game I'll see him play in (I'm out of town for the ENTIRE state tourney... arghh) but more because this season is ending, which means the school year is ending, which means my little bro is turning in the papers and leaving in June.

I'm excited for him, I really am, and there's no where else I'd rather have him, but wow, I'm going to miss him.

We've been so close, a lot more the last few years, all of a sudden he needed help with math homework and girls.... so he came to me :) I can't tell you how many story's I've heard about this girl or that basketball game, and I've loved them all. He's just a good kid, the best in my opinion. Honest, and so hardworking. On the court, in the yard, or late at night with a math book. And he's loyal, if there were one word to describe him its loyal. Loyal to his family, especially his bro's.... he's always got their back. And loyal to the truth of the Gospel he believes in so firmly. Its been crazy watching him prepare for his mission, he's really grown up a lot, its been amazing to watch.

So many people love Jordan, he's just a classic happy, hardworking, fun loving guy. And he's listened to his fair share of boy drama and math headache's from me :) ahhhhh, he's just so great, I think every sister should have a bro like him.

So last night he played like he does, solid and constant, never missing a beat. He ended up tying his career high with 24 points for the night, finished out the season 2nd in three point shooting, and walked out of the gym with a region title. He was all smiles with the beautiful cheerleader he's 'best friends' with, and it was picture perfect, so I cried... oh the lame older sister who loves her brother so much.

I got ridiculed at home that night. While we talked stats and looked up scores for the other high school games that night (a family ritual after every game), Chris nailed me with sappy sister jokes. bah, and then I started thinking about him, Chris is pretty amazing in his own right, thankfully I still have another season to watch him.

the heart attack...

2008-02-14T23:27:00.004-07:00

words fail me. I will say this. These pictures were taken between 1:30 and 3 am. I'm such a good roommate.

p.s. the pics are out of order, you can fit it together though....

Happy SAD day

2008-02-14T22:32:00.004-07:00

A charter school in the alpine school district declared february 14 as singles awareness day, officially banning all decorated mailboxes for the collection of red and pink heart shaped treats. It's true, ask annalisa.

Here's the thing.. I felt like it's been happy sad month. No i'm not referring to relationship status, honestly I just don't care that much, but that's just it. I don't care, about anything, and I've felt so happy, and so sad, and so frustrated, and I've driven the roommate crazy because I can't make up my mind about anything, and I can't fake it when she's around. Instead I get angry and push her away. I don't know what's wrong, I don't know what IT is. It's like it's that time of the month, all month long.

I was sick of pretending this week, so I didn't. When people asked, I told them I was fine, but I didn't act fine, yet I was sure I was. NO big deal, everything is just fine.

I didn't want to feel anything. Leave me in a garden state, where I'm neither happy nor sad. I can't fix it, or I'm afraid trying will make it worse. It hurts so much, so rather than try to be happy and risk the hurt that inevitably comes when you feel life at all, I decided to become calloused and hard, I didn't want to feel. anything.

In PAC we've been repeating this everyday. I was, am still sometimes, so hardened. I began asking an unseen power to do something, to wake me up and humble my heart, because I couldn't do it myself.

The last few days have brought something home to me, something I knew but didn't want to acknowledge. People care. A lot. I was asked at every turn how I was doing... but these people really meant it. I was rude, and blamed lack of sleep, or simply said it was nothing and walked away, but a few of these friends wouldn't leave me alone. Sometimes it was just a squeeze of the hand, or a look they gave me that said, "please call me, and I'm not just saying that"

I hated the attention, but it struck me how much I was really cared for, and loved... but I didn't want to feel that, so I did everything I could to shut it out.

This article came out in the newspaper of all light and truth for cougar students. I heard there was a little pow-wow in my behalf, discussing all of my 'symptoms.' At first I was angry with the ox, the roommate, and the artist sister. I was FINE, how many times did I have to say this, yell this, and cry this.

I wonder if they're right. I don't know. I can't write about all of my thoughts on that right now. I'm surprised I'm even writing this. I haven't wanted to write lately, not even in my journal. I haven't wanted to dance, or eat, or sing. I have done my homework, I won't fall there... it's easy to stay busy and productive in the math lab. Feeling don't have to happen there, numbers exist independent of human hearts.

Then Samwise shared a part of this. "And the simple truth is that we cannot be happy, nor saved, nor exalted, without one another." I cried. The hotness behind my eyes was too much. He noticed, and asked me about life later, I pushed him away like everyone else, but he had gotten through, for just a second he'd gotten through.

I was tired of feeling today, but it was hard to be mad with so much love in the air. Today I was aware of how connected I am, to so many people. The word single doesn't apply to humans. We depend on each other, we laugh and talk and cry, scream and yell, and someone is listening, so many people care.

I was on the ground sobbing today. If you asked why I couldn't tell you. The roommate was leaving to be with paulina, and then the artist sister called. She wanted to take me out to dinner. She cared.

Danger called after that, wanting to give me a ride to some v-day festivities. He cared.

Pujee smiled, and kissed my cheek, austi gave me a valentine, Mikie a chocolate kiss. They all loved me.

An e-mail from my sweet mother, a text from a brother, an amazing hug from a dear friend.

I feel, and right now that's ok.

a blue umbrella moment

2008-02-06T18:05:00.001-07:00

I'm sick. And it turned out to be a blessing in the most unusual way. I decided to attend rehearsal, despite feeling completely gross. I didn't dance, I just watched, and blocked dances that I needed to. Somewhere between hutzel and Irish I fell in love with a moment.
Iridescent blue chineese umbrellas were twirling out of the right side of my vision as girls prepared for their next number. I noticed god's gift to Folk Dance (GGFD) goofing off with the ox marriott, dancing like dorks, as usual. The band set an enchanting background with a hungarian piece that pulled all of the moments into one. I was smiling. I loved these people surrounding me. I loved saraaaar, and noticed her watching me. I love matty, and his leaps across the floor. I loved watching my sweat sister putting away her indian costume. I loved all of these people and I realized I would miss them. So for now i will be content to soak in all of these moments, loving them all, sick or not.

a crisis of foundation

2008-01-30T22:37:00.000-07:00

Originally mathematical ideas were based the physical world, specifically that of geometry. The Greeks, Egyptians, and Pythagoreans measured and used number in a practical and tangible sense. The number 2 'existed' as 2 units of length, maybe the side of a triangle, or the length of a column. Well imagine the pythagoreans disappointment when they stumbled upon the idea of the square root of 2. We know this number to be irrational. The way they discovered the problem was when they split a perfect square into two right angled triangles. If each side length was 1 unit, then the hypotenuse of the triangle should be the square root of 2 units in length, there, they drew it, it must exist. Yet when you try to split the number 1 into even pieces, lets say 5. You can't split the square root of 2 the same way, in fact there is no way to split the square root of 2 evenly. Impossible, but true, such is the case with all irrational numbers. Their values go on and on in the decimal world at infinitum.

Euclids geometry also ran into contradictions. For century's mathematicians have tried to prove that if two lines bisect a third line, and if the angles made add to a number less than 180, then the two bisecting lines must intersect at some other point, in other words, they are not parallel. It seems so obvious it should not be an assumption, but a hard fact that can be proved, yet no one can. Lambert tried, but a proof by contradiction later all he came up with was a famous picture called lamberts rectangle.

So, we can't base mathematics in geometry like we thought, there are too many things left unexplained.

Then the smart guys turned to algebra, and straight numbers for numbers sake. Turns out there's a contradiction here to, but I'll spare you the details.

They tried set theory, and the world of abstract algebra, but there were still mathematical ideas that escaped these axioms and proofs. Like this one... "the set of all sets that don't contain themselves" its a pure paradox.

Then logic, logic must be the answer.... nope even after the book Principa Mathematica was written... a book so complex and precisely defined that it took some 6oo pages for the authors to finally assert that 1 plus 1 does in fact equal 2. Well even this book contained an error, a loop hole that missed some critical information.

So the search for a true foundation for mathematics continues. And while the saga continues, most mathematicians, especially those in the applied realms, turn a blind eye to the predicament, because math still models everyday occurences. Engineers still build bridges, using geometry, actuaries still calculate complex algorithms to predict losses for big businesses, professors still cram the ideas of null sets, convergence theorems, and isomorphic relations into the brains of their pupils, and children still count using their fingers, effectively demonstrating the use of abstraction by the time they are 3 years old. Math still goes on, even when no solid foundation exists.

These thoughts led to others...

What other fields claim to have sure foundations? Science claims to find truth, but only in things tangible and earthly, or at least physical. Yet they model perfect situations that can in no way be tangible... have you ever seen a physics rope in real life? No weight, no friction.... ya, didn't think so. Chemists use imaginary numbers to calculate complex equations, but when it comes down to the actual chemicals, no imaginary numbers are actually used. Then there are the Humanities and Social Sciences. I don't know what they claim to be their foundation, but I'm sure whatever it is changes with the opinion of the professor, or teacher year to year. And we all know the foundation of english is the fact that every rule has an exception, which is a contradictory statement in and of itself! So does any area of study really have a true 'foundation' or building block on which all elements of the field can be derived and explained from? And who really cares anyway? Just the crazed, perfect model seekers called mathematicians probably.

And then I thought about religion. My religion specifically, and the truths I hold to be pure knowledge and wisdom. I remember a time when I was frustrated with the blanket statement that covers everything. If we don't know it, its not because it isn't, it's because we can't, or shouldn't know.... yet. There's always that yet, because with faith and diligence, knowledge of all things must surely be attainable. Faith. Faith is the foundation upon which all truth, light and knowledge builds. That I believe.

A foundation as shaky or as sure as the individual.

chocolate things I ate today...

2008-01-27T17:49:00.000-07:00

cookies, 8
brownies, 1
hot beverage, 0
icecream scoops, 1/2
mints, 4

I'm bad on sundays.
and I'd do it again.

the human voice

2008-01-26T23:54:00.000-07:00

I'd forgotten the beauty of the human voice.

I hear singing every day, from cd's, my roommate's mouth, cute boys trying to impress me on their guitars, random ipods turned too loud in the library,.... everywhere. But tonight I remembered what trained voices, singing in perfect harmony's can do to a torn soul. I remembered the mathematical beauty of chords in tune, and the powerful dynamic of a choir.

Flanders Fields left the audience in a trance. A tension seemed visible, but not uncomfortable. It was a tension of intrigue. I felt as though I was hanging on to every sound as their voices swelled in and out of the dissonant chords. Words can not describe the basses present, but not driving, circular rhythms, the way they wafted in and out of conscious acceptance. And I can't tell you what it meant, only that I heard pain and sorrow, and hope at the same time. I could tell you that the sopranos had perfect, glorious pitch, that transcended this world and brought something of the heavens down to a concert hall, but you wouldn't have been there, and couldn't know to what depth this piece spoke.

It felt like water. Like a huge ocean of water, with its heavy and smooth currents pulling methodically, constant, yet dynamic. Powerful and moving, even when soft. The building seemed transformed. Hollowed and deep. I wish it could have gone on longer, yet I was drained, our mortal bodies it seems can't stay in that hollowed, transcendent state for too long before they tire. It was an undescribable moment, and I think the person sitting to my right missed it.

There just aren't words. And that's why we sing.

Do something that scares you every day

2008-01-26T00:05:00.000-07:00

I did something scary today. I painted. With watercolor. A frog and some lilly pads. I'm not an artist, and even as I began I was trying to map it all out, in some grid like, systematic way. I learned to just let it go though, and that was a big step for me. I found the actual act of painting extremely theraputic, even if the final 'materpeice' as it were, was not all that eye pleasing. I like that it looks like water.... but the frog looks like a leaf. Oh well, I did it, and that's all that matters. 2 points.

Enchanted

2008-01-25T00:44:00.000-07:00

Apparently it's a movie I'm supposed to go see. It also describes all things magical, spellbinding, or otherwise captivating in some beautiful way. Today I was enchanted...

I was on campus rather late for a top secret meeting that I can't talk about, let alone blog about. dumb campaign rules. As I walked outside, frigid air filled my lungs and invigorated my library intoxicated mind. Anyone so privileged to be on campus that late might know of the magical lights that come out like fireflies in the evening. The seemingly formidable buildings of scholastic torture fade to black, and all that is left to see are the playful spots of light illuminating beautiful trees, walkways, and architecture. It was magical, but I hadn't been enchanted, yet.

I made my way down to home sweet home. I should have stayed in the library to read, but the sound of squeaky gym shoes compliments my study habits so much better. The Richards building, home to athletes, dancers and scholars alike, called to me.

There's a definite smell... and while others may argue with my opinion, I don't find it displeasing in the slightest. I grew up in a basketball gym, watching my dad coach his team every Saturday morning. The Richards building, with all of its sounds and smells feels like home.

I walked down the top floor and stopped at every window. Like some patron of a three dimensional, moving museum of Kinesiology, I analyzed every scene, and searched for words to describe the compositions...

Window 1
"flailing insecurity finds home in a life preserver"

This was the water polo window. And not just any water polo mind you, it was BYU intramural INNERTUBE water polo. I always wanted to play. I wanted to be the goalie who gets a navy blue innertube to set him/her apart from the rest of the team. It adds some decency and respect to a player who has just agreed to wear a swimming suit and sit awkwardly in a tube of air while flailing their limbs in an attempt to maneuver enough to benefit their team in some way.

Window 2
"man vs man .... vs ball, hoop, refs, spectators, girlfriend and shoelace"

Oh basketball. What can I say. Its a step up from church ball here at good old brigham young, but not by much. I watched for a second, groaning at the defense, and lack of jump shot skill on the whole. I laughed out loud when I spotted the all too typical 'high-school-glory-days-guy" Sporting his sweat bands and top of the line kicks, this is the guy that fights the ref more than anyone and believes if the coaches had just looked at him he would be playing on the marriott center floor Saturday night. Oh contraire.

And the there are the girlfriends. Some dressed in fur, and I'm thinking.... its a gym darling, leave it at home with your purse by Prada. Some scream incessantly at the refs, who, let us all remember, are just students dressed in black and white, tired from a day full of class and just trying to make a little money by blowing a whistle a few times a night. I don't understand yelling at the refs. They're part of the game, the rules are different with each ref, you just get used to it and keep playing.

Finally the shoelaces.... ok, these are not always such an antagonist, but tonight they were. I can't begin to describe the elegant dismount, the leap and tumble, the wrenched face and the blood that rushed in to his rosy, embarrassed face. All I can say is touche shoelace, touche.

Window 3
"one plus one is one"

Ok, so this wasn't actually a window. I walked into 278 to grab my clogs, and fell upon the ballroomers. Like always they were fighting for every last square inch of hardwood. We like to joke about the rivalry between dance teams, but honestly I have a lot of respect for the ballroom genre. Tonight I took a second and just took in the scene.

In one corner the recently graduated, and married ballroom king was passing off his skill to the ballroom/math girl. I know her from both area of my life, and I was totally captivated by her and her partners movement across the floor. They make it look so effortless, they're bodies flow like liquid, seamless... until one takes a wrong step and the balance is lost, the flow is cut. But they were there to practice after all.

I watched other couples, and I still laugh at the drama of it all. The head that's held in the most unnatural horizontal positions, the snooty air of elegance, and the ridiculous hand flailing, but even with all of that nonsense, there is something fundamentally captivating and completely beautiful. Two separate bodies coming together in such total unity fascinates me. Dance is such an incredible expression of emotion and thought, and I'll hand it to the ballroomers tonight.

I was enchanted.

the first.

2008-01-21T22:54:00.000-07:00

I hate starting, but I love newness. hmmm. I just needed to get this first one out of the way, you know? I needed to clear the cyber air that was looming, crying out.... "start your blog, start it now!" So much pressure for the beginning, the first. Hate that. So here we go, a few lines of thought, in extreme stream of consciousness form. Done. It's been started. And now that that's out of the way...... I can really begin.